People

So I just realized that my last post was just what I'm feeling/thinking today. I don't like to rant and complain about things like this but this last year has just involved a lot of disappointments from people and I've learned a lot about friends and people in general. First of all, I don't understand why or how God can love us the way he does. His unconditional love is WAY beyond me and WAY beyond my ability to love people unconditionally. I'm so thankful he loves us all the way that he does and I will spend the rest of my life trying to achieve love like that. I wish I had a love for people like that but I don't. And in the last year I feel like I have gone backwards in learning how to love people better because of the way I have been treated. And what makes all of this worse is that most of the people who have hurt me are Christians. I think Christians are the worst at this. We are rude, often narrow-minded, selfish, arrongant, jerks. Sometimes I hate to be labeled a Christian because I know so many people in this world have been turned away by so-called Christians and have been badly mistreated by those associated with The Church. It makes me angry that things are that way and I hope that I have not been one of those people who has caused someone else to shut themselves off from God. As a Christian, I do not claim to be anywhere near perfect. I am selfish, impatient, rude, sometimes narrow-minded, blunt, and not always open to hearing what other people have to say. Now, that's nothing to be proud of at all, but at least I'm aware of it. Am I just going to sit back and keep living that way? No. These are all things that I work very hard at to change and I realize that I need God's help to do that. I have also developed a lot of bitterness lately, which is strange because a few months ago God relieved me of some bitterness I had been holding onto for over 6 years. But since being relieved of that bitterness towards that one person, Satan has worked his way in and I have allowed him to create more bitterness towards people in general. Again, I am not proud of this. I want to get rid of all bitterness completely but that is such a hard thing to do! --

Wedding planning. These last 6 months have been stressful, emotional, scary, exciting, fun, disappointing, and stretching. Since I started planning my wedding I have learned a lot about people who Antony and I thought were our friends. We have been let down over and over again by broken promises made and lies revealed. It hasn't been a fun process as far as that goes but at the same time, I'm glad we learned these things now because we can protect ourselves in the future. Now some of those relationships are doing fine now and will heal, but others have ended altogether. That fact breaks my heart and really hurts me but God can and will heal the wounds if I am willing to let him. That's the hardest part - I have to be willing. That will take time but I know I will reach that point. I'm so very thankful for my Savior who loves me unconditionally and forgives me when I fail continuously. I am also very thankful for my fiance, who will be my husband in 8 days! He has been so wonderful and supportive and helpful through this entire planning process and has made it fun and exciting and enjoyable! Despite the rough patches along the way, I have enjoyed preparing for our wedding and I'm SO very ready for the day to arrive!!!!! I'm excited about the plans God has for our marriage and so excited, and scared, about all the learning that is ahead of us.

I love you Antony Floyd!

People

People. I just don't understand them sometimes. They can be so rude. So hateful. So unloving. Even Christians. Sometimes especially Christians. Where is Christ's love? Where is his compassion? His mercy? Why are people so hateful towards one another? And why am I rude and unloving to people I've never even met? Christ calls us to love and we may even pray to love like he loves. But I don't think we realize what the truly means. I don't. His love is so perfect and so amazing - no human could ever love the way that he does. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't strive for perfect love and for his love to show through us.

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This man will be by husband in 69 days!!!!!!

Freedom

As I sit here, watching the neighborhood kids out my window, I can't help but wonder what things are like for them behind closed doors. I know many of them come from broken homes - I know this because of the kids who have come to Kids Club (a club my old roommate and I started in our neighborhood last semester where we share a Bible story with the kids). I also know they come from broken homes just from observing. I can tell a lot by just watching people. The way families interact, the way they carry themselves, the expressions and body languages the parents use when they talk to their children; a lot of it being negative. I just pray that God will protect these children from growing up to be angry, bitter adults. He can and does do that - I have had the opportunity to talk with adults who should be very angry people, but are not because of God's work in their lives. I also know the freedom that comes when you let go of bitterness. Because of past dating relationships (mainly one) I had allowed lots of bitterness to develop and grow in my heart but this past month has been so freeing for me! So my prayer for these children is that they will be able to keep their innocence (not be naive but protected from certain negative experiences at such a young age) and that they will experience love from their parents. Love from God through their parents and love from God through others around them.

Bitterness and Anger effect every aspect of your life. If you're struggling with either I would challenge you to begin praying for freedom from that. I believe that anger causes us to be impatient, rude, hateful, and shut off from people. It can also deeply effect our relationships with the people we love the most. God can help you heal from the bitterness you've held on to for so long. It took me 6 years to even begin to work through the bitterness I have kept in my heart but once I began praying about it - God started working hard! He was just waiting for me to open up my heart to even begin to consider forgiving that person who had so deeply hurt me and once I opened up that door, he began working. And its amazing the freedom that has come with that!

marriage

i have recently started the book Love and War by John and Stasi Eldredge and it has been very eye opening to the realities of marriage. i am getting married on july 10th and like many soon-to-be-married individuals, it is hard for me to foresee any big issues that will come up in my marriage. although it is hard to pinpoint any specific issues my fiance and i will face, im an trying to take to heart the things in this book. the chapter i just finished talked about the growth that takes place in an individual throughout their marriage. now, of course you have to be open and willing to grow, but this is very exciting for me. although growth is usually hard and challenging, i enjoy it. i love feeling God in the midst of it and seeking his wisdom and guidance. john and stasi share the growth they have both experienced during their years of marriage and though they mention how hard it was for both of them during those times, they also say how awesome it is/was to meet God in the midst of it all and experience the power of his healing and mercy. yes, im scared of marriage and the struggles to come, but im also very excited to learn and grow with my soon to be husband! we have lots to learn about each other, ourselves, and God and im ready for that to begin!